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Considerable numbers of concerned citizens have written to the US President and US Secretary of Defense complaining about the treatment of captives taken prisoner during the war in Iraq and Afghanistan against Al Qaeda and the Taliban, now being held at the DOD detention center at Guantanamo Bay.   Below is a copy of the Administration's response. 

The Department of Defense

The Pentagon

Washington, D.C.

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your concerns about the treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. 

The administration takes these matters seriously, and your concerns were heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, with your permission, to place one captured terrorist under your personal care. We trust that your rehab program will far surpass the program the government has instituted at Guantanamo--at considerably less cost. 

 Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your residence next Monday. He will be escorted by U. S. Marshals and should arrive at your residence between 0900 and 1200.  Ali Mohammed Ahmed is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. D.O.D. will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. 

Although Ahmed is classed as sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. You will find out in due course. 

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil, a screw driver, or a finger nail file. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless you feel that this might offend him. 

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered to them by wearing their bhurkas. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and his religious beliefs. Please make sure that he has a private place, facing Mecca, for his daily meditations and be prepared to prepare specials foods for his religious holidays. 

Thanks again for your letter.  We truly appreciate it when private citizens inform us of the proper way of performing our duties.  Take good care of Ahmed and good luck!

Cordially,

Donald Rumsfeld

Secretary of Defense